Impatience

Is so freaking real. I notice it within myself sometimes and when it happens I do not like it one bit Sam I Am. Like when trying to do or create anything, if something doesn’t do exactly what I anticipate it to do, I will get so stressed about it so fast. I do worry this is not helped by the advent of modern technology where we have been conditioned to expect everything to just work. I don’t think that is an argument against technology but just an aspect of its existence that we need to stay aware and vigilant of especially in regards to ourselves. Ooh, I just experienced another example of my impatience when trying to type the word vigilant. I just couldn’t spell it right and I became convinced that my computer had conspired against me rather than it just being me that could not spell.

This is a very interesting aspect of being human that I have witnessed within myself on multiple occasions. When something doesn’t work, I will often feel it’s a conspiracy against me involving whatever it is that’s not working doing so out of spite. This leads me to beating my spacebar, for instance, when a program won’t let me enter a space into the name of a file when it had before, rather than acknowledging the infinitely more likely scenario that something in the code of the program has just became corrupt or maybe there was an update that I hadn’t noticed.

It can be so hard to be patient sometimes and it’s impossible not to notice the negative effects that has on my life. I think for me, my impatience mostly comes down to a need for control of my environment. I find I cannot tolerate anything behaving in a way that I don’t like and this is something I need to learn to deal with. I don’t know where this came from but psychology tells me it can come from growing up in an environment that always felt out of control. That may be the case and I probably need to go to a therapist to find out what things from my childhood I choose not to remember. Mental illness sucks, because it is a feedback loop. The very depression and anxiety that should be dealt with by a therapist also sucks the motivation and executive function out of you that would drive you to go to therapy. This is why there needs to be as few barriers as possible between people and help because the more barriers there are, the fewer people will go.

Recently I’ve felt like these posts were more rambling than putting together concise ideas into a blog form. This has been helpful for me and my ability to just vent and process emotions but I hope it has also remained somewhat readable. I almost forgot to make this week’s post so hurray to me for remembering. Anyways, I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts and will continue to do so and maybe invite some others to do so because I would love to have some real traffic on this site. Sending out my love to everyone and I’ll see you next week. ❤