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Today, I just don’t feel like feeling. I think I’m tired of people, I think I’m tired of being able to predict people’s comments to my ideas in all modes of conversation, I think I’m most tired of people not making a priority of changing. A lot of people say they prioritize growth within themselves but what I’ve observed is that they will change the easy things to change, but they’ll never take a look at their deepest problems and so those remain, making it feel pretty hollow when they say they are open to change. It’s hard to appreciate someone’s ability to change in some ways when the thing they do that hurts you or others the most is something you can’t even talk to them about because they are SO not at peace with it or themselves about it.
I just want change, I want change to be a common place thing, I want it to be bare minimum to be considered a functioning member of society, and I mean REAL change, the kind that it fucking hard because it involves you acknowledging the parts of yourself that fucking suck, we all have them, and if you think you don’t, that within itself is one of them, so there’s one for your list. I get that change is hard, it’s really hard when you have no self esteem because you can’t afford to hate or dislike yourself anymore than you do, this is why kindness is so important, but not enabling people is equally important so it’s necessary to find some kind of balance.
Please, don’t even leave a comment on this if you aren’t actually trying to hear me out, I don’t want to have conversations anymore with people who are just there to give their own perspective without trying to see someone else’s. I want a life where when I talk to people, we are both there to listen to each other and where we are BOTH as ready to change our perspective the instant we are given good reason to do so. I am so tired of dogma I cannot even put it into words, it is a plague upon this planet. Evidence based reasoning or gtfo.
Anyway, that’s a rant, I want to find myself and I’ve spent so much time just trying to survive that I never really let myself be who I wanted to be. I’ve just tried to keep the peace… and I am done with that shit. I don’t want to hurt people for the sake of hurting people but I will not let cruelty exist in my presence without me saying something about it anymore. I also encourage people to criticize me because I know I am only human as well, I know there are infinite things I do not know, but don’t expect me to just accept any advice you give me because that would be assuming you know everything. We all should take in the information around us and try to sort through it the best we can while being aware of our own biases when sorting, that’s all we can do.
Steven Wilhelm 